Gonzo Sports Digest; Doncaster Rovers, One Direction and Daniel Sturridge

Life can be a bit like a blind date, regardless of the initial level of promise having an exit strategy or fallback plan is a necessity.  Mine is to wait until I’m old enough to no longer be seen as a threat, at which point I’ll become a con artist. Not one of these Daily Mail fodder types stealing pensions and whatnot, more the lovable rogue you don’t mind being hoodwinked by. Currently I’m speeding up the aging process by drinking excessively and regularly so I can realise my dream sooner. It’s a winner.

One Direction have the world at their feet at the moment (sort of anyway, they’ve probably got a few more millions to make after this hiatus) but Louis Tomlinson is already thinking about his next move – designing football kits.  Daniel Sturridge has gone the other way as apparently a hip hop career beckons after his playing career is over but we’ll start with 1D.

Doncaster Rovers and Louis Tomlinson

Donny native Tomlinson entered the competition to design Rovers kit with his granddad in what could have been a sickeningly sweet narrative, but it hasn’t quite worked out that way.  Understandably many see it as some kind of fix, perhaps a marketing ploy to sell more shirts to young girls blinded by their love for the world’s hottest boy band or orchestrated internally due to his links with the club (he’s played for the reserve team in the past).

I’ve got no idea whether it was contrived or not and in fairness it is a pretty decent strip but I do have one question; isn’t he a little bit too old to be entering a design your club’s kit competition?  Louis Tomlinson is 24, a father and a millionaire for Harry Styles’ sake. There are probably some kids out there in South Yorkshire gutted that they didn’t win, he’s stealing all the happiness. Even if it is totally legit some credibility has been lost there, or it would have been if any of his hardcore fans were of legal drinking age.

As a club Doncaster probably didn’t handle it too well either.  To announce the One Direction star’s winning design they went with the headline ‘Top of the Tops’, a reference that probably doesn’t carry much weight for the vast majority of Directioners and seems kind of lame and way too obvious to anyone who does remember ‘Top of the Pops’.

(Louis Tomlinson, his granddad and the club have all denied it was in any way a set-up, he also isn’t accepting the prize, a free holiday to Thailand)

Liverpool’s Daniel Sturridge fancies himself as a producer

While Louis Tomlinson is a frustrated footballer, Liverpool striker Daniel Sturridge has musical aspirations.  The England international did an interview for Highsnobiety and hinted he could be tempted by some musical endeavours, then the NME ran with it and made a bit more of his comments than perhaps he intended.

Anyway, he lists Drake and Kanye West as guys he admires so whatever he’s got planned chances are it isn’t going to be too groundbreaking.  He also refers to 50 Cent as a ‘legend from way back’ which makes me feel kind of old even though we’re a similar age, I’d be sticking Public Enemy and The Pharcyde in that category myself and I’m not even sure whether Eminem falls into it (the way back part, not the legend part). I’m with him on Jordans though, Sturridge is a man who knows his kicks.

Further Reading;

‘Top of the Tops’

BBC reaction piece to the Doncaster kit

Highsnobiety

NME

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Gonzo Sports Digest: Ryan Shawcross for England, Donald Trump hating and boxers with unconventional sex lives

If time was a currency I’d be in the poor house right now, come to think of it I could do with more cold hard currency as well so whatever I’m doing it isn’t profitable.

I’ve had no time to write my own stuff so instead here is a round-up of some of the best/most interesting articles I’ve seen lately.  We’ll start highbrow before the inevitable deterioration begins.

Ryan Shawcross

Ryan Shawcross has been consistently ignored by England manager Roy Hodgson and he isn’t expecting that to change any time soon.   The Stoke centre-half more than deserves another call-up but unfortunately he’s somehow managed to retain the unfashionable image the Potters had under Tony Pulis, while the rest of the squad are now considered masters in the total football or whatever implemented by Mark Hughes.  That might be a simplistic take on it but I think that’s a reasonably fair assessment.

Shawcross is a pretty quiet guy but he did give a very candid interview to The Telegraph recently and it is worth a read.  He discusses not only being ostracised from the England squad but also how he feels his career has been impacted by that infamous Aaron Ramsey leg-break a few years back.

Grizzlies tear into Donald Trump

Read that sub-header, now imagine actual bears ripping the nasty old bastard apart…. Feels good but sadly that isn’t the case here, just Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies has posted some anti-Trump stuff on Instagram.  Should sport stars talk about politics?  Why not…. if they’ve got the time to do so when they’re not romancing celebrities or endorsing trainers.

Here is a link to the story via Rolling Stone, for some reason the picture isn’t showing so I’ve used it as the main image for this article.  Comparing Trump to Hitler may not be the most groundbreaking move in the world, but it could see Barnes on the other side of that Mexican wall if that comb-over lunatic somehow manages to get in the White House.

Yusaf Mack and trans women

Being a boxer isn’t the easiest life, unless you’re at the very top of the pile and even then it isn’t necessarily a picnic, but throw in a niche sexual interest and what was previously tough becomes damn near impossible. West Philly native Yusaf Mack, who British fight fans may remember from his 2012 loss to Carl Froch, is into trans women. My own philosophy is essentially each to their own as long as no one’s getting hurt, not many subscribe to that viewpoint though.  Anyway here is an article about it via Broadly,  interesting stuff.

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Gonzo Sports Digest; weird news roundup

You spot some crazy shit when you trawl the internet every day looking for a good story, here is some of the best stuff I’ve seen this week.

The Nantes president can make your cock bigger

Nantes are going pretty well in Ligue 1, they may be down in eighth but a Champions League spot isn’t completely out of the question with just six points separating third placed Lyon from Bastia in 10th. Away from the pitch club president and cunning entrepreneur Waldemar Kita has embarked on a new venture – penoplasty.

From what I can gather via my admittedly rudimentary French and Google translate (which I never completely trust, the nuance of a language gets a little lost), a wrinkle cream he made his fortune from has another and potentially much more profitable use – it makes penises bigger and is also a treatment for premature ejaculation.  He also says he knows athletes who have tried it (which would be a hilarious way to fail a drugs test if any banned substance are present, I doubt it but there’s always hope) and the ‘Chinese are very eager’, whatever they mean by that.

So if your lap-hog is more of a piglet, maybe a trip to the Stade de la Beaujoire could be on the agenda before taking a lady back to the boudoir.

Original article (en Francais) via le JDD.

Angry woman hijacks Hartlepool United coach’s Twitter

Hartlepool United coach Sam Collins might want to have a word with Kita as the post ‘I also have a very small penis’ appeared on his Twitter account.

It wasn’t a case of oversharing though, instead it seems as if his wife got wind of an affair and decided to commandeer his Twitter. I’d imagine she probably regrets it now though, because airing your dirty laundry is never a good idea.

If you want to read about the ‘male slag’ (did it need the word ‘male’?) check out The Mirror’s article.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto gets his boots on ebay

One man who certainly isn’t a slag is former Spurs and current Saint-Etienne man Benoit Assou-Ekotto.  The French-born former Cameroon international won’t accept free sportswear or ‘prostitute’ himself to companies so he gets his boots on ebay.  Fair play to him, I’d be all over the freebies myself, although Joe Hart might have gone a bit too far with that horrendous shampoo advert – what the fuck was he thinking?

Assou-Ekotto’s Canal+ interview as reported by Goal.

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